If you’ve seen any of my TikToks or read any of my previous posts, you know that my wife of nearly 18 years cheated on me twice (that I know of) and ultimately left me for boyfriend number two. Had I known I could get a divorce online, I may have gone down that road much sooner than I did.
During those first few weeks and months, I questioned my personality, doubted my manhood, and laid awake nights wondering what I could have done differently.
About eight months after my wife left, I began dating an amazing, beautiful, and talented woman. We hit it off immediately and quickly became exclusive. We went to concerts, great restaurants, met family, and traveled together.
Eleven months into our relationship, we moved in together and really began planning a future.
But about four weeks ago, less than three months after moving in together, without warning or explanation, she abruptly – and angrily – ended the relationship.
There were no fights leading up to it. There was no warning. There was no infidelity. And to this day, there has been no explanation.
But guess what?
Since that very strange night last month, I’ve questioned my personality, doubted my manhood, and laid awake nights wondering what I could have done differently – EXACTLY the same emotions I felt when my marriage ended due to infidelity.
But since there was no infidelity, infidelity didn’t cause those emotions.
This truth bomb hit me like a freight train.
But if it’s not infidelity, what is it?
Simple: The detached, callous, and remorseless destruction of our planned future.
In both cases, without asking for my vote, my thoughts, or considering my feelings, my “partner” simply erased the future we’d created together.
Also in both cases, I was never offered an explanation. It was just over.
I accept that I played a role in creating what turned out to be imperfect relationships.
I just wish I knew what that role was.
Despite not knowing the role I played, I’ve learned a lot. Here’s a partial list of lessons I’ve learned over the past month:
- Just because a person has their life shit together, it doesn’t mean they have their relationship shit together. And this includes me.
- My antenna stops working in the presence of pretty women. I need to fix that.
- Manipulation starts small (clothes, hair, looks) and then escalates to truly personal things. (e.g. sense of humor, appropriate language, etc.)
- If swearing, sarcasm, or dirty jokes offend her, she’s not right for me.
- I have a big personality. Anyone that needs space isn’t for me because it means I’m too much for them. Period.
- Common likes/dislikes are more important than I ever realized. (e.g. 80’s movies, music, standup comedy, and comedy bands)
- I’m not ready for a relationship until I’m willing to risk another person destroying my future plans.
My first divorce 20 years ago cost $40K and took 18 months. I think I ended up with a blender.
My recent breakup will ultimately cost $3-5K. The lessons I’ve learned will last a lifetime.